Don't Give Me That

Ah, yes, the holidays are almost upon us. Can't you feel the excitement of the season, the chill in the air, the body heat of the weirdos beside you as you and everyone else struggles to find that perfect gift? Yikes. Fortunately, I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping. Hopefully you are too, but if you're still in need of a gift for that special someone, I have some suggestions of what not to buy them for Christmas (or whatever holiday you may celebrate). Alternatively, some of these would qualify as fantastic "White Elephant" gifts for the mandatory office party that most of us aren't looking forward to attending (present company included).

1. A Car -- I know what you're thinking. "Isn't that the ultimate gift? Who wouldn't want a car?!" I'm not talking about purchasing a 1998 red Cavalier with exhaust problems for your sixteen year old (and if you are interested in said Cavalier, contact me...). I speak of those commercials where the fancy, expensive car with the giant red bow is parked outside of someone's window, and the recipient of the car cries or grins like the Cheshire Cat. Granted, I wouldn't mind waking up Christmas morning to find a blue Maserati with a giant red bow parked in my driveway, but think about this: If you buy your loved one a car, you will have to at least keep that standard up for next year. How do you top a fancy car? What's next year's present for this person? A yacht? A mansion? Their own private island? A town in Mississippi? Just keep in mind that the person you buy a car for this year might not appreciate it if you give them a Christmas sweater next year....speaking of which....



2. A Christmas-themed sweater -- A Christmas sweater is probably the lamest gift ever. It can only be used a month or two out of the year, and I have never seen one that isn't gaudy. Unless Aunt Gloria usually wears these things, and specifically asked for a sweater with a giant poinsettia and real jingle bells on it, it's probably not the best idea. This relative will remember that you were the culprit...and guess what you'll receive from sweet Aunt Gloria next year? Yep. And she'll find the one that has the Rudolph with the LED light-up nose. Not worth the risk. However, for the White Elephant gift, particularly if you're not fond of your co-workers, this is perfect. (I think I need to do a little more shopping!)

Image courtesy of http://www.uglychristmassweatershop.com/...yes, this site exists!

3. Forever Lazy/Snuggies -- Do I need to explain what either one of these atrocities entails? The "Forever Lazy" is basically pajamas without feet. (But they do come with slipper socks if you CALL NOW!!) Supposedly, people wear these things everywhere: a dance recital, football games, and to social gatherings. Look, I haven't seen anyone wear them anywhere yet; I'm thinking most people know better than to wear them in public. It's one thing to wear pajama bottoms to the grocery store to pick up milk; it's another to wear a onesie anywhere else...even though they have "handy escape routes in the front and back" so you can easily relieve yourself. Mmm-hmm. Don't do this to someone you love. Same with the Snuggie. Unless they ask for one, it's pretty lame....even the "designer" camouflage one.

4. Chia Anything -- Nothing says "I give up" quite like giving someone a Chia Thing. And I know it seems so easy, because they really do have a funky little Chia plant for everyone: Chia Goats, Chia Hippopotamus, Chia Marmaduke, Chia Garfield, Chia Homer Simpson...and I'm still on the fence wondering if the Chia Obama is a bit racist or a bit ironic...either way, someone who shall remain nameless (but I call her "Mom") bought me a Chia Kitty a few years ago. Lovely thought, right? Yeah. The damn thing wouldn't grow. In fact, it became rather moldy and gross. So don't risk giving your loved one a moldy Chia Statue Of Liberty. You can do better. (White Elephant paradise, people! In fact, I think they have a Chia Elephant...but I don't think they offer a Chia Disgruntled Co-worker. Yet.)



5. Food-of-the-Month Club -- I know I mentioned this in my post about bad birthday presents that I wrote a few months ago, but I cannot reiterate it enough: Unless you are certain that your uncle is heavily into candied nuts, don't enroll him in the "Candied-Nut-of-the-Month" club. Like I said before, this is the gift that keeps on giving...and giving...and giving. The person you give this to will remember you, and they will seek revenge. When you see the first shipment of the "Sardine-Of-The-Month" club show up on your door for your birthday, well...don't say I didn't warn you.



6. Fruitcake -- Does anyone actually eat this stuff? My Mom thinks it's hilarious that she gives C a block of fruitcake every year. She has done this for about twelve years now, and if we would have had the freezer space, C was going to save them and give them back to my Mom at some point. Fortunately, we didn't have the room, and I think it saved a giant fruitcake war that I wanted no part of. And these things stay "fresh" forever....you might not know how old the cake-like substance actually is that you're giving to your sweet Aunt Erma. Unless you know they love the stuff, don't.



7. Porn -- Especially NOT for Christmas. I mean, come on. On Jesus's birthday?! That's just creepy. And NOT for the White Elephant, either....unless you want the gift of a sexual harassment lawsuit....

Now you know what not to give your loved ones. Stuck for ideas? Give them the gift of you...your time, your efforts, and your love. Sure, it might sound terribly cheap, but to most people, it's what they really want. And maybe a gift card....