Worse Comes To Worst

One thing people might not know about me is that I am an 80s music addict. My Mom was a radio personality for a Top 40 and a country station, so I listened to and became familiar with the music of the time. It brings back great memories. Today, I noticed an article from the fabulous nme.com listing the worst songs from the 1980s. While I do agree that most of the songs on this list are the suck (especially number one), I think I can do a little better. So, I present to you: The Top Ten Worst Songs from the 1980s!! They aren't in any particular order...except for number one.


10. Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton: "Islands in the Stream" (1983)
Written by the Bee Gees, this tune was a smash hit for the Kenny and Dolly duo. It went number one on the country charts in 1983 and became one of the top-selling pop singles of that year. Crossover success meant that this song was in heavy rotation in both genres. It also meant my Mom had to play it a lot. She not-so-lovingly dubbed this song "Islands I Could Scream". And don't get me wrong, I love Dolly Parton...but Kenny "Plasticman" Rogers, not so much...

9. Mister Mister: "Broken Wings" (1985)
This is American pop band Mister Mister's first single from their 1985 album Welcome to the Real World, and it hit number one on the U.S. charts late that year. It was allegedly inspired by a book called "Broken Wings" which was written by Kahlil Gibran. Here's the thing: The lyrics, the music, the vocals...I always run off the road in my haste to change the station when I hear the first notes from the keytar. "When we hear the voices sing, the book of love will open up and let us in"...gag. SHUT. UP.

8. Billy Ocean: Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car (1988)
Featured in the 1988 classic film "License To Drive" (starring Corey Feldman and Corey Haim), this song climbed the charts to number one on the Billboard Hot 100. Lyrically, it should have caused alarm to anyone Billy might have been dating at the time. "HEY! YOU! GET INTO MY CAR!" is the forceful command at the beginning of the tune, shortly followed by "Touch my bumper, hey let's make a deal, make it real. Like a road runner, coming after you..." Stranger danger, people.

7. Winger: "Seventeen" (1988)
Glam metal hair bands dominated the airwaves in the mid to late 80s. Winger was one of those indistinguishable guitar-riff laden bands. This song celebrating the joys statutory rape hit number 26 on the Billboard charts. For reasons I can't comprehend, VH1 named it the 87th best hard rock song of all time. Need proof of the creepiness of this tune? "She's only seventeen, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me..." If Chris Hansen was doing his thing back in the day, Kip Winger might have been in trouble. As the lovely C points out: "That's illegal!"

6. Prince: "Batdance" (1989)
The 1980s gave us films with epic soundtracks. Flashdance, Top Gun...and Batman? Written for the 1989 film starring Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne's alter ego, the popularity of this song soared as the movie became a box office hit. The issue at hand is that this song goes from poppy and upbeat to slow and funky...in a not-so-great way. I love His Royal Badness just as much as anyone, but the Joker's maniacal and never ending laugh at the end of this tune, coupled by the repeated use of the sampled "Vicki Vale" from the movie throughout...cringe worthy. It makes "Darling Nikki" even that more awesome.
 I can't find this video. Sorry. But you're not missing much!

5. Huey Lewis and the News: "I Want A New Drug" (1984)
Off of the album "Sports", I Want A New Drug ascended to number 6 on the Billboard charts. It's similarity to Ray Parker Jr.'s theme song to the film Ghostbusters resulted in the two settling out of court after Huey sued Parker. Huey is said to have written this song in a few minutes. I truly believe this. Here's the thing: If the Weird Al parody is exponentially cooler than the original, (see I Want A New Duck on YouTube), your song sucks.

4. Eddie Murphy "Party All The Time" (1985)
Like many other decades, the 1980s had its share of actors who decided to delve into the recording industry, with mainly disastrous results (Jack Wagner, Don Johnson, Bruce Willis, even freakin' Philip Michael Thomas). The song tells the story of Eddie's girl...who likes to party all the time, despite all the things Eddie has done for her (champagne, roses, diamonds on her finger). Poor guy. It's a harrowing tale that is surprisingly upbeat. Not even Rick James, the album's producer and writer, could save this one, bitch. And Rick looks disturbingly HAPPY in the video.

3. The Beach Boys: Kokomo (1988)
The Beach Boys are truly legendary. With so many classic, feel-good hits, you'd think that this song about getting away to a tropical paradise would be one of them. Featured on the soundtrack of the movie Cocktail, it managed to mention every tropical destination and island cliche imaginable. We get it: You're the Beach Boys. We haven't forgotten. The ironic part: The "Kokomo" in the song does not exist. "Off the Florida Keys, there's a place called Kokomo..."  No, there isn't. Sorry. So if someone offers to take you there, unless they're speaking of Kokomo, Indiana: RUN. Most likely, they have a van and chloroform waiting for you...

2. Europe: "Carrie" (1987)
Swedish rock band Europe is responsible for bringing us the infamous "Final Countdown" song. Can't you just hear those first notes of that now? Ick. Anyway, I do believe this power ballad, that somehow rose to number three on the Billboard charts, is worse. There were many songs named after women in the 80s, but this one gets the prize because of its lyrics. Among them: "Carrie, Carrie, things they change my friend ooh, Carrie, Carrie, Maybe we'll meet again.." Yawn. And it's not because that's my boss's name, either. Not a factor...the song is still awful.

And finally, the moment you've all been waiting for....

1. New Kids On The Block: "Hangin' Tough" (1989)
This song is the title track off of the group's second album. It topped the charts, they were teen heartthrobs, blah, blah, blah. People, this song is awful. Admittedly, I'm not the biggest fan of manufactured boybands, but you have to agree with me. These dudes were what, fifteen or sixteen? Have you seen these guys? Clean cut, sugary sweet, and impeccably choreographed. They're the opposite of tough. Telling people to "get on the floor and do the New Kids dance", then asking if they're "tough enough"?! Mixed messages, folks.
Other lyrical samples of the "toughness" that is New Kids On The Block: "Don't cross our path or you're gonna get stomped!" Um, no. Maybe if you're a picnic ant. Puh-leese.
"We're ROUGH!" The only thing that was remotely rough about these pre-pubescent lads is the slight stubble on their chins that just started growing in...or maybe they're talking about their pitch. Worst. Song. Ever.

Quite frankly, I could do a top 100 list of the worst songs of the 80s, because there are so many more, but I'll stop here. Let me know: What do you think is the worst song from the 1980s?