The Girl At The Rock Show

Ah, rock concerts. The thrill of seeing and hearing a band you love play their music live, right in front of you (and likely thousands of other people). I do enjoy attending these events, though I don't get to do so as frequently as I used to. C and I went to a concert this past week, and we concluded that sometimes, people-watching can be just as entertaining as the bands on the stage. We also agreed that at most rock shows, there are different types of people who you will probably encounter at some point in the evening. If you haven't been to a concert in a while, or if you're getting ready to go to your very first one (damn kids), I present to you: A Rock Show Primer. This will familiarize you with a few of the various varieties of humans that you'll see at most concerts.

1. The Drunk
Well, this is obvious. Rock shows and beer are like peanut butter and jelly; you can't really have one without the other. Most people will have a drink, maybe two, and be perfectly okay. Some, however, get a bit on the tipsy side. They tend to yell "WOO!!" repeatedly, sing along a little too loudly, and may wobble to and fro. They will frequently leave to get more beer and to go to the restroom. Because the lines to the bathroom are usually miles long, you might have a great view for most of the show when they leave the seat in front of you. These folks are usually harmless; the worst thing that could happen is that they accidentally dump beer on your shoe or, God help you if you're in front of them, down your back. But isn't beer spillage just part of the fun?

2. The Sloppy Drunk
Yes, there is a difference. The sloppy drunk will slur their speech, stagger about, will become extremely belligerent and/or amorous, and will likely do something that will end up on YouTube the next day. Case in point: C and I had lawn seats to the show we attended last week. We noticed a guy and two women stumbling past us, stopping about ten feet away. They were clearly a bit intoxicated, and were very flirtatious with each other, dancing with and on each other, one of them flashed the crowd, etc. By the time the fourth band hit the stage, there was a threesome happening right on the lawn. No, really. I'm no prude, but even I was in shock. And I'm fairly certain that someone behind us was posting it to YouTube as soon as the show ended. This is an extreme case, and the likelihood of seeing this is slim. (Sorry.) The sloppy drunk is a bit more of a threat than the standard drunk in that you might be hit on, yelled at, or puked on. If they look like they're going to spew, run.

3. The Stoner
News flash, people: There will be weed at every single concert you attend. Guaranteed. I don't care if you're seeing Metallica, Phish, or Justin Bieber, it'll be there. (PSA: Please don't go see Justin Bieber. Thank you.) Even if security is so tight they're conducting random cavity searches, someone will sneak some herb in. There could be acid involved too, among other substances. The good news about stoners is that they're completely harmless, will say "Whoa!" in amazement multiple times, and will be into the music and very chill. They may or may not be wearing tie-dye. They will get up to purchase food, which will help you to see the show, but get ready for the tantalizing aroma of nacho cheese combined with the weed. The good news: If you're sitting beside or behind a stoner, you could get a free contact buzz. The downside: You should probably reschedule that hair follicle test for the new job on the next day.

4. The Rabid Fan/Know It All
You'll seen them walking around wearing a t-shirt from the band's last tour, the current tour, or the 1986 "concept album" tour. They are there for the music. Period. And they know everything about the band and their songs: the lyrics, the chords, what brand of guitar the rhythm guitarist uses for a back-up, you get the idea. Look, throwing out a random fact can be a good conversation starter. For example:

Random person: "Can't believe that Garbage is finally in Columbus again!"
You: "Yeah, hey, did you know on their first album, the rest of the band recorded the music tracks and then gave them to Shirley Manson? She wrote all of the lyrics herself based on those tracks."
Random Person: "Hey, that's awesome!"

Cool, right? It's when it goes beyond that, dissecting each and every song, interpreting each tune's meaning, that type of thing. The only good thing about the know-it-all is if you are unfamiliar with the band, you will learn all there is to know pretty quick.

5. The Statue
This is the guy who, despite everyone around him dancing and/or grooving to the music, stands perfectly still. He doesn't even run to the restroom. His arms may or may not be folded. Either: a. He's there because his girlfriend dragged him and he absolutely wishes he was on Mars because he hates Sugar Ray, or b. He has no rhythm and doesn't want to look stupid. The only issue with the statue is if he is in front of you and is tall or huge, (or both) and he doesn't move, you could be stuck checking out the back of the guy's sweaty polo shirt instead of Florence and her machine.

6. The Exhibitionist
You will see this at every show. These are the women who wear the short, skintight shorts or skirt and a bra or thin piece of fabric which they try to pass off as a blouse. Fishnet stockings and spiky stilettos might be involved. Mama would be proud. Obviously starved for attention, they will flaunt it even if they haven't got it. They also could be trying to audition for the role of "groupie".  A hint: You have an exhibitionist standing before you if the pockets of their cutoff shorts are longer than their shorts.The only harm you will experience is the assault on your eyeballs.

7. The Jumper, aka The Human Pogo Stick
When the music starts, these hyper souls do the first thing that comes to mind...they jump up and down in place. It doesn't matter what the song is; fast or slow, the band could be covering Bette Midler's "The Rose", whatever --- boing, boing! Red Bull is probably their beverage of choice. Luckily, they do usually stay in place, so they're not much of a threat to you, but they can be annoying if they're standing in front of you. Your best bet is to either join them and synchronize your jumps so you can see or, if you don't have that much energy, move somewhere else.

8. The Thrasher
Unlike The Jumper, The Thrasher is the guy who flails about and seems to have lost all control of his body movements. He might call it dancing; most people would liken it to having a seizure. There is no rhythm, rhyme, or reason for it. More often than not, this specimen does not know the meaning of "personal space", so expect to be ran into or accidentally smacked by this one. If it gets to be too much for you, a swift kick in the jimmy (especially if you start flailing, so as to make it look like an accident) should make him at least leave your area.

9. The Roadie
This guy has been around, and he'll tell you all about it. Back in the '80s, he was a roadie for Aerosmith. Back in the 90s, he was a roadie for Soundgarden. He's been there, and he has all kinds of stories and secrets about what goes on backstage, on the tour bus, and at CBGB's "back in the day". He may or may not be wearing tie-dye, but will definitely have long hair that is usually in a ponytail. He could also be The Stoner in disguise, but watch out; he will believe what he's saying. Even if you think he's full of crap, be nice. Smiling, nodding, and the occasional "Wow. Cool." will appease him.


So, there you have it: A few of the different types of people you will run into at a rock show. Now that you're aware, you can prepare. Just remember, as weird as these folks may be, you're all there for the same thing: the music. So, bring a friend, have a good time, and enjoy your surroundings.

And try not to get yourself on YouTube, okay?